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Finding Love Again After A Divorce

Updated: Jan 31, 2019

The thought of finding love again after a divorce is the dream of many who experience the breakup of a marriage. Some quickly jump back into the dating pool, while others are a bit more cautious, for fear of being hurt again. Many divorced people have an unconscious tendency to hear the “voice” of their previous spouse in the words shared by a new person they are dating. A simple statement that person makes can take them back to something that they had heard from their former partner, which might cause them to take a step back and reconsider pursuing this new relationship. Memories of the problems of that previous marriage can often get in the way of finding love again after a divorce.

The reason this happens is fairly simple to explain.

We all tend to make decisions based on past experiences. This is based on the information we begin implanting in our “belief system” from the time we are born.

When a child burns his or her hands on a stove, they tend to stay away for it for a while to avoid having that experience again. The concept that the stove is hot and can cause pain is implanted in their belief system, which constantly reminds them that there is an element of danger attached to that appliance. This is just one example of the many things that are implanted in this mental library at an early age.

As we get older, we continue to add to this collection of information. When we start driving a car, we learn to gauge how far off an oncoming car needs to be before we try to make a left turn in front of it. If we have had a close call or an accident, with such a turn, we tend to become even more cautious about making left turns. We have learned and stored the concept that our wellbeing might be endangered if we do not allow enough distance.

Likewise, we store information in our belief system about people and relationships. Think back, for a moment, about the first person, outside your immediate family, that stirred an emotional interest in your heart. This may have been when you were in grade school or when you were a little older. You might have shared a lot of things about yourself, feeling certain that they would never tell those things to someone else. When that “relationship” fizzled, and they told someone else the things that you had said, you probably felt betrayed. When such things happen, it is common that people choose to share a little less about themselves with the next person in whom they took an interest. The memories of that first painful “breakup” are implanted in our belief system with such strong feelings that they tend to produce elements of anxiety at the thought of being hurt so deeply again. The more times we deal with these early life experiences, the more cautious we tend to become about similar situations in the future.

Then we find our “true love!”

Ultimately you find that person you that know in your heart is your true love! While you might find yourself a bit thoughtful about being hurt again, you decide to throw caution to the wind and take a chance! This is it! You fully invest yourself in this relationship and get married. This does not mean that you might hold just a few things back in that emotional commitment, based on past experience, but for the most part you fully invest yourself in this relationship. Then, as time goes by, perhaps many years later and after having children, things go south. This might be caused by economic strains, the sense that you are “growing in different directions” or because the other person “strayed” with another. The number of reasons behind breakups have filled any number of different books. The reason might have been that the other person never fully matured in the way you thought they should. Whatever the cause, divorce becomes the solution to the problem.

#CoachingWithSyrina #FindingLoveAfterDivorce

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